Beware This Dating App Scam – Sam Morril: I Got This


I love the rec center. I don’t know if you ever been
there. As a Jew, it’s fantastic. It’s just old Jews and Japanese
men. If you had it bad during World
War II, this is your spot, okay? Fantastic. Every time I go swimming, there is a morbidly
obese woman on a noodle. She’s just floating horizontally
across the lap lanes, and we just swim around
her like she’s not there. (audience laughing) Part of the rec center code. And I can tell when there’s a
new guy ’cause he looks confused,
and I say, “That’s Cathy. (audience laughing) “I go right, you go left. “We’ve developed a system.” Then on the wall, it
says “Rule Number One, “no swimming with diarrhea,” which I’m like, all right. (audience laughing) I agree. I kinda wish it weren’t Rule
Number One. (audience laughing) I don’t know who that
rule is for the most, the most motivated human who’s
ever lived? (audience laughing) Some guy at home like, ugh. I’m still going, but… (audience laughing) “Rule Number Two: “Must wait two weeks after
having diarrhea “to swim in the pool,” and I was like, all right,
right out of the gate, mostly diarrhea-related rules,
you know? Clearly, there’s an incident
that we’re dancing around here. You know you didn’t pick a
first-rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not shit on our stuff? It’s been a problem. (audience laughing) I love this place. Everything about it’s off. I went to the bathroom. I knock on the door, and the
guy in the bathroom yells out, “Who is it?” (audience laughing) That’s not what you’re supposed
to say. (audience laughing) You’re supposed to say, “I’m in
here.” You’re not supposed to
be expecting company (audience laughing) in the men’s rec room bathroom. (audience laughing) But I figured I’d give it a
shot, so I said, “It’s Sam,” and he goes, “No.” (audience laughing) That was the right answer. (audience laughing) You’re gonna hate this next
joke, but I’mma do it anyway. (audience laughing) This is how bad my back was. I read a headline in the paper
that said graveyard worker had sex
with over 100 dead bodies, and my first thought was
that is a lot of digging. You know?
(audience laughing) I know that’s a horrible person, but that’s also an unattainable
fitness goal for me, and I would kill for that core
strength. (audience laughing) How much true crime is there
gonna be? Are you guys watching this like
me? It’s so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these
murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we’ll keep
watching, that’s what I say. I don’t want to point fingers
here, but you women are getting
murdered at an alarming rate. I don’t know if you’re paying
attention. I would recommend never
going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with
you, she really trusts you, or she’s taking a chance, you
know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say,
hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you
know? I appreciate it. That’s all I watch is murder and
standup. I’ve been doing this for a
while. I see comics sometimes on
Netflix. I’m like, this guy fuckin’
stinks. I wonder if murderers
watch true crime like, this is pretty disappointing. (audience laughing) Three murders in five years? I should be the one on
television. (audience laughing) We all do it, but we’re
getting desensitized. You ever just watch four
straight episodes of “Law & Order: SVU” and it
hits you, like, that was probably
too much rape for a Sunday? I don’t know.
(audience laughing) I’m not even paying attention. I’m folding laundry and I’m
thinking, when did this become
background noise in my life? I should not be consuming SVU like it’s smooth jazz, you know? The darkest plots you’ve ever
seen, I’m watching one, the mom’s pushing her
baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec
then turns back around. The baby’s gone. That’s not even bad parenting. That’s incredibly efficient
kidnapping, by the way. You got to give credit where
credit’s due, ’cause she was crying,
“I’m a horrible mother,” and I was like, no, you
ran into one of the greats. (audience laughing) That was like the Steph
Curry of abduction. That was pretty flawless. See it on these dating sites,
too. I read this article. It said that you gotta be
careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs that’ll post pictures of really
hot women, and then you show up on the date and they just rob and
beat the shit out of you. That’s gotta be a bummer, ’cause it already sucks when it doesn’t look like the
picture. That’s gotta suck extra. You show up for your date
at two a.m. at the bridge, and…
(audience laughing) eight dudes are walking toward
you, and you’re like, Kathleen? (audience laughing) I was in an Uber right after a
breakup. You ever just overshare with the
driver? He said, “How are you?” I said, “Ah, I had this
breakup.” He said, “Let me tell you
some shit about breakups,” and the second he said that, I thought I might have fucked
up. (audience laughing) He said, “You now what I did
when my girlfriend left?” and I said, “What?” He’s like, “I fucked everyone. “You think that helped?” And I said, “No,” and he said,
“It did.” (audience laughing) All right. He said, “You know what else I
did? “I called her up, I told her all
about it. “You think that helped?” and I said, “God, no,”
and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) And I said, “I’m gonna stop
guessing “because you’re very
unpredictable.” (audience laughing) Went on for 20 more minutes. I finally got out of the car. I was like, “Do you think that
was helpful for me at all?” and he said, “Probably
not,” and I said, “It was.” (audience laughing) One of the hard things about
dating now is a lot of younger people are
meaner. They’re very mean. That’s how they flirt. I think it’s called negging. I was talking to a girl after
a show and my poster was up, and she goes, “Wow, you look
really ugly in that picture.” I said, “Oh, that’s not very
nice,” and she goes, “You’re a
comedian.” I said, “Yeah, I’m also
a human being, so.” (audience laughing) I enjoy pleasant conversation as
well. And I was wearing a striped
sweater, so she goes, “Nice sweater,
did you wear it on purpose “or did you escape a pris-on?” She said, “pris-on.” (audience laughing) Which kind of bugged me. I was like, “I feel like you
don’t know “a lot about pris-on.” (audience laughing) I said, “I’d like to
escape this conversation.” She said, “That’s all you got?” And I said, “I have to be
meaner to you to communicate?” She said, “Hit me with your
best shot, Mr. Comedian.” I said, “Rather not.” She said, “Come on.” I said, “All right, you’re very
pretty and I’m very lonely, “and I would still rather
masturbate than pursue this. (audience laughing) “So, yeah.” So, we’re back and my
place, and you know, yeah. It works, negging works, I’ll
tell you. It really does. I was making out with her and it
hit me, I don’t even like this person. I’m thinking, what am I doing? I’m making out with her, and I
said, “Maybe we should stop.” And she goes, “What, you’re
rejecting me?” And I said, “I don’t think
this is a good idea,” and she said, “I’m really turned
on now “that you’re saying no to me,” and I said, “You seem like
a pretty unhealthy person.” (audience laughing) She said, “No one’s ever
rejected me. “This is the most turned
on I’ve ever been.” I said, “Well then,
you’re gonna be super hot “for this Uber I just called
you, okay? “Hopefully get the guy I got. “He loves to fuck.” (audience laughing)

52 Replies to “Beware This Dating App Scam – Sam Morril: I Got This”

  1. Aside from being a great comedian, Sam has a great speaking voice in itself. I wonder if he’s done any voice over work.

  2. Hes skilled, definitely. Keeping it rolling, lots of top comedians will thriw a funny out & get a laugh, then start working on their next move, this guy just puts one down & continues stacking them on. No waiting to see what the audience does.

  3. My girlfriend left me for my best friend and then told me she only wishes she would have met him first. I said of course you do, hes been my best friend and I was never his, to the point I'd be taking you off his hands, you selfish bitch.

  4. I can't lie he was pretty funny but after being on a Dave Chappelle show and Bill Burr binge, other comedians just do not come close. Bill and Dave are just so comfortable on stage and just inherently hilarious people even when they're just talking it just ends up making the other two medians seem like that's their job but those two it's who they are which is "SUPA STAARRRZ" . But say Superstars like the girl Mary Katherine Gallagher in the 1999 film Superstar

  5. Now i know why he looks attractive unattractive, it's his mouth and his smile it's like small and too exaggrated in shape when it happens

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