How to Tell How Long Someone’s Been on a Dating App – Casey James Salengo


– I was on Bumble for a
minute, anyone on Bumble here? – Yeah!
– Oh yeah, too excited about it buddy,
he was like yeah! (audience laughs) I was on Bum, if you don’t
know Bumble is the app where the girls talk to
you first, allegedly. (audience laughs) I never unlocked this feature. (audience laughs) I gotta upgrade my phone
or something I don’t know. I was on the Apple store like,
“The girls aren’t talking, “what’s going on?”
(audience laughs) “I paid my bill.”
(audience laughs) It’s funny when you
get on these apps, you can tell how long a lot of
girls had been on these apps by just how mean and
specific their bios get. You know what I’m talking about? ‘Cause if they have like every
asshole in New York City. Like a girl who’s on
there new is like, “I’m from California. “I like horses.” A girl who has been
there a while is like, “No creeps, no weirdos,
no momma’s boys.” (audience laughs) “No Libras, no Kevins.”
(audience laughs) “No zookeepers, no Mennonites.” (audience laughs) “We go for one drink,
you don’t look at me, “and my friend Cheryl’s coming.” (audience laughs) All right, sounds too
good to be true ma’am. Can’t believe your still alone. (audience laughs) My girlfriend and I have
been talking about babies and the way the abortion
laws are going we got to really mean it, you
know what I’m saying? Woo daddy, getting
sticky down there baby. I think abortion should
be legal, I think its, whatever you wanna do to
your body, get in there. You wanna give yourself,
c’mon baby, get into it. Clap for me, you wanna give
yourself open heart surgery, that’s yours to root
around in there baby. Whatever you want. I’m glad I don’t have
to make the decision to get an abortion ’cause I’d probably wanna keep
it and I’m very poor. It just be me and this
little guy eating cat food under a bridge, for you, one
for daddy, one for this guy. Two for daddy, daddy likes it. Daddy likes the cat food. I wouldn’t be a good mother,
it’s too much responsibility. I couldn’t handle, I’ve
locked myself in a hot car. So there you go.
(audience laughs) I couldn’t figure, I’m
like what is this electric? I can’t, hang on,
I’m going down, all right, it’s getting steamy. It is tough, I do love babies, I love babies way
too much for a big gangly man with
a blond mustache. (audience laughs) Nobody likes it, nobody’s
comfortable with it. I found this out recently,
I think as man you’re not supposed to like babies
as much as a woman. I found this out, I had
a girlfriend come up to a group of friends and she
was like, “I saw this baby.” (woman moans)
(audience laughs) I’m gonna ignore that.
(audience laughs) She’s like, “I saw this
baby on the subway. “It was so cute, my
ovaries were aching.” And everyone’s like, “Oh
my god, that’s so cute, “I can’t imagine.” They’re like, “You’re
ready to be a mom, “that’s what that means,
you know that right?” I couldn’t be like, “Man,” (audience laughs) “Just saw this baby
in Dunkin Donuts. “It was so cute, my
balls were quivering.” (audience laughs) “I mean god damn! “He was dressed like a
sailor, come on, dude! “How you gonna do
me like that bruh. “You could hear
my jeans hum boys, “like” (rolls tongue) “that’s a good looking boy. “Welcome ashore.” (audience laughs) No one would be like, “I think
you’re ready to be a father, “that’s what that means.” They’d be like, “Please stay
away from the schools, sir.” I like being big, it’s cool
I can see over high grass. See oncoming predators. But there’s some drawbacks,
like I feel like I give off more intimidating presence
than I mean to sometimes. Like I was recently
in a packed subway and we all got off the platform. And I accidentally got between
this girl and her friend, I knew they’re friends,
I saw ’em talk. And the one in front
me turned to look for the one behind
her and she saw me. And I meant to be like,
“Aw, I’m sorry ma’am, “I didn’t mean to
get between ya, “she was right back there.” But what I said was,
“I’m not your friend.” (audience laughs) It was a very tense
walk to the stairs. I feel like a small guy would
be like, “I’m not your friend, “that’s your friend over there.” For me it’s like,
“Your friend’s gone. “And your next, get in
this bag,” I had a big bag. Had a big bag. (upbeat music)

45 Replies to “How to Tell How Long Someone’s Been on a Dating App – Casey James Salengo”

  1. "your body your choice." Yet, the less you touch or interfere with the women's body the less chance of death and higher chance of babies death. Because you rip it apart before removing.
    What happened to babies body babies choice?

  2. Had a girl who told me after matching that she didn't date Geminis. I unmatched her because I don't like superstitions, my brother unmatched her because she was a Virgo.

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  4. welcome to shore! ?⛵️?
    This dude is truly amazin, and it ain’t just his idiolect- he’s got a great one tho!
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